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2020 caught up with me today.  I almost made it through unscathed. And today, I woke up and hit the wall hard.  Like knocked me out hard.  My brain stopped working. I lost all track of time. I feel pulled in a thousand different directions, and I feel lost. Totally and incredibly lost. And there is no reason for it. I have done pretty well through this pandemic. I am still employed, I have a place to live. My family is healthy.  I can keep myself from being bored.  In fact, I have done remarkably well in all the big areas of concern.  And I can say that I am doing just as well in lots of other areas. It could be that I just jumped on the bandwagon and am ready for everyone to have a brand new start.

Today is historically my most favourite day of the year, the winter solstice.  I love the dark skies; they bring a bit of a claustrophobic feeling to my environment, allowing me to feel a bit closed in. It’s a feeling that I appreciate. I am not much of a fan of humans doing this to me, but I enjoy it when clouds do it.  So it caught me by complete surprise that I woke up feeling this way. And so I have spent a great deal of time today trying to change how I feel.  It’s the middle of the evening, and I am still battling.

I have come up with a few ideas – but they all fall under the umbrella of BE SELFISH.

I know now is traditionally the time we should be thinking of others. And while normally I would be subscribing to this way of thinking.  Let us alter our priorities a bit.  Yes, look out for your neighbour. By all means, offer to shovel their walk, or bake them a loaf of sourdough bread, or your grandmother’s famous shortbread cookies. But look out for you first because you are no good to anyone else if you can’t manage to get out of bed.

Give yourself the gift you would give others.

1. Write yourself a letter outlining all the things you have done this year, or how much you have grown.  Describe all the bread you have made, what new hobbies you discovered, the highs and the lows of the year.  Write it like the newsletter you usually send to your family and friends. And if it doesn’t feel quite satisfactory, include your plans for the future.  Use good stationery and ink.  And then mail it to yourself.
2. Plan a date. If you happen to be isolated with someone you happen to like, then great. Make plans for you to spend time together. Since we are all spending way too much time with our devices this year, spending a screen-less evening can be fun and challenging. There are loads of things you can do without your phone/preferred device or television. If you are in a different situation, solo dates can be just as fun.  In pre-COVID times, my favourite solo date activity was to go to a (higher end) dollar store – where everything costs $2.50 and play with the plastic dinosaurs and other figurines.
3. Think about the person you used to be when you were 18 and away from home for the first time. Remember how much fun it was to get care packages? Create one for yourself. Allow yourself to enjoy all of it. In addition to the brownies, create a playlist of all the songs you listened to during your freshman year. Include boxes of fruit loops and bottles of cupcake vodka. Celebrate who you used to be and that you no longer need to drink that vile cupcake flavoured concoction.
4. Allow people to be your friend. Often when I feel this way, I shut people out. Believing that no one could understand how I am feeling. Not true. Everyone knows what depression is like. And if they don’t, they are lying to themselves.  Let people know how you are feeling.  Let them help. Engagement does wonders for our mental health. And at least for a few moments, we won’t feel so alone. I did exactly this today -some of my friend’s suggestions were: plant a seed/propagate a plant,  light candles to bring in extra light during the long night, and the telling of the history of Groundhog Day (which, while strange, is my other most favourite day of the year).
5. Plan a vacation or the next friends get together.  We won’t be stuck indoors forever.  And when we escape, there is a whole world to see.  If you start planning now, the sooner you will be able to explore.  I can already hear Argentina call me.  “Laura, come visit.  It’s time you learned how to tango like an Argentinian.  Stop with all that french posing nonsense”.
6. Let yourself feel bad.  It’s hard being upbeat and positive when you aren’t feeling it.  And it’s totally ok to feel crummy.  Let it happen. It will most likely be short-lived.

While I am in this space, I will bake some brownies, dance the tango with my broomstick, and maybe answer a couple of emails that I did;t get to because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself this afternoon.  Because (not so) surprisingly, I am feeling remarkably better. Probably because I just convinced myself that I owe it to myself to put myself first.

And you deserve to do the same.

This year, I started practicing art for art’s sake. Not to get good at it, but to get out of my head. To create something and not dwell so much on the happenings of the planet. My approach to art is with a beginner’s mindset.  I enjoy creating, but I don’t expect to become great.  I don’t practice it.  And I don’t intend to make myself famous with some newfound skill. For me, this is a meditative act.

One of these artistic endeavours is a newfound appreciation of origami.  Am I good at it?  No.  At any given time, you would be able to find bunched up pieces of origami paper all over my apartment.  I don’t even find it relaxing (yet), though I am determined to make a crane. It does not need to be perfect; it just needs to resemble something other than a crumpled piece of paper.  I will not give up until this happens.

And while I am using this art to practice mindfulness and maybe some simple beauty. There is a woman who is using origami for good.  Her name is Joanna Hutchinson, and she has a project to commemorate the American lives lost to COVID, although I think it’s a beautiful and healing gesture for the entire world, and that is how I choose to view it.

While it is a commemorative sculpture, it is also a protest to her government’s handling of this pandemic, which is why she chose to use red paper. In her words,

“Red for bloodshed, and anger, but also representing energy and love.”

The original plan for this project of 100.000 folds was to create a visual scale of US COVID deaths by making 100 000 paper triangles that she would build into a commemorative sculpture. At the start, she was asking for participants to fold 250 triangles. She has received enough help to make that goal, but since the death toll keeps rising, her plans may have changed, and she may need more folders.  Regardless you can contact her here, offer her your assistance, or a few dollars for postage (since she mails out packages of paper for folding to her volunteers), or even a few words of encouragement.

Usually, I would try to highlight the goings-on in our own communities. However, the pandemic has turned us into a true global village. And we should be supporting each other, no matter what part of the world we live in. Joanna is allowing healing by letting us participate in something greater than ourselves.  And I, for one, am applauding her for this.

And I will be here perfecting my triangle folds just in case she needs more worker bees.

2020 has been the year of physical distancing. We all know how far 2 meters is by now. While physical distancing is critical during these times, there is something equally important that needs to be discussed. The care of our emotional wellbeing. In particular, creating emotional boundaries for staying well during stressful times.

If we are self-aware, we can recognize stress within ourselves.  And as self-aware humans, we recognize that we probably should be finding ways to deal with our stress instead of pouring our emotions all over our empathic friends and coworkers.  On most days, I feel well emotionally. I feel healthy. And when I am like this, I often say, “I stand in the light.”

However, this does not mean that I can handle the stress of another person. It just means that I am feeling empowered.

A few days ago, when a friend of mine came over to visit (responsibly) and then proceeded to unload every single problem of their life onto me.  I was left with a three-day hangover. My friend is not to blame. This is 100% my own fault. Throughout the day, I had the opportunity to gauge my wellbeing. And I chose not to.

To prevent this from ever happening again, I have developed a system based on lamp beam spreads.

The 10° Spotlight Beam Spread (or less)*

Your beam of light hugs your body. It’s faint.  The weather is a bit grey or wet, and it certainly isn’t going to the park weather. Your inner child is practicing their mantra (NO!). Follow suit. Cancel your plans. If you (like me) have a hard time saying no, here are seven email templates that you can use to help you say that word.

The 25º Narrow Flood Beam Spread*

Your light is a little ways from your body. Your presence is warm, calm, and you are at peace with the world. Sharing a cup of tea with someone like-minded would be a nice activity. Have the encounter online through video chat.  Keep the conversation upbeat.

The 45º Wide Flood Beam Spread*

You wake up smiling and jump out of bed. You look in the mirror, and bluebirds are helping you to get ready. The world feels good. Your inner light is shining brightly. You are ready to take on whatever life throws at you. This is when you can deal with people. Life can’t get you down. You are energetic and strong.  Be the force that you are.

Here are a few ways to create necessary boundaries that will keep you emotionally well.

1. It’s ok to be introverted. Suppose the opportunity to see someone doesn’t feel good. Say no. Stay home. Please don’t feel guilty about it.
2. Be clear about what you want.  Then do it.  You get to make the rules.
3. Recognize that you need care. Eat well, drink water, get fresh air.  We all want the cheese – but we need the apples (and maybe a glass of wine to go with it). Moderation is key.  Eat the apple.
4.  Recognize the need for alone time when you need a pile of blankets, pillows, and a Studio Ghibli marathon. Those movies help.  Spend the day with Totoro and his friends. There is a reason these movies are so beloved. They are magical.
5. Dance – music and dancing help you clear away the cobwebs of your mind and get you thinking clearly. This gives you all the power.

*I recognize that I could have used just about anything else as a metaphor (like a traffic light), and it would have been a better and clearer explanation.
But you know, I am human, so sometimes there will be a flaw in the design. I still stand in the light.

It’s Friday, so let’s have a bit of fun.  Ever sing along to Spotify, apple music, or the radio?  Do you think you can be the next, oh I don’t know Freddie Mercury?

Why don’t you test that theory?  Go ahead.  You can do it.  Take all your frustrations from the week and put them into song.  Center yourself into the spotlight, grab your hairbrush or the microphone from your computer and go head to head with Freddie.

Singing is a great way to improve (and celebrate wellness).  Let your inner Freddie shine.

You can be assured that I am donning my tiara right now and singing my heart out.

Let me know how you measure up to the incomparable and incorrigible Mr. Mercury.

Pantone has chosen its colours for 2021, and they are perfect.  One colour that perfectly represents where we are in life.  A medium gray, actually the Ultimate Gray. A colour that holds you in and hugs you.  It’s clingy and maybe a little bit smothering.  But mostly, it’s dependable.  You can count on this colour.  And while I personally believed that surgical blue (or some colour found on surgical scrubs) was going to be chosen, I am so here for that shade of gray.

And choosing Illuminating as the companion colour is spot on for the coming year.  A year that is filled with hope,  promise, and confidence.  I am so here for this.  That yellow is brilliant, and it makes me smile just looking at the swatch.

I can’t wait to see these colours pop up everywhere.

Well done, Pantone!  You chose great colours!