The (ME)aning of Christmas

2020 caught up with me today.  I almost made it through unscathed. And today, I woke up and hit the wall hard.  Like knocked me out hard.  My brain stopped working. I lost all track of time. I feel pulled in a thousand different directions, and I feel lost. Totally and incredibly lost. And there is no reason for it. I have done pretty well through this pandemic. I am still employed, I have a place to live. My family is healthy.  I can keep myself from being bored.  In fact, I have done remarkably well in all the big areas of concern.  And I can say that I am doing just as well in lots of other areas. It could be that I just jumped on the bandwagon and am ready for everyone to have a brand new start.

Today is historically my most favourite day of the year, the winter solstice.  I love the dark skies; they bring a bit of a claustrophobic feeling to my environment, allowing me to feel a bit closed in. It’s a feeling that I appreciate. I am not much of a fan of humans doing this to me, but I enjoy it when clouds do it.  So it caught me by complete surprise that I woke up feeling this way. And so I have spent a great deal of time today trying to change how I feel.  It’s the middle of the evening, and I am still battling.

I have come up with a few ideas – but they all fall under the umbrella of BE SELFISH.

I know now is traditionally the time we should be thinking of others. And while normally I would be subscribing to this way of thinking.  Let us alter our priorities a bit.  Yes, look out for your neighbour. By all means, offer to shovel their walk, or bake them a loaf of sourdough bread, or your grandmother’s famous shortbread cookies. But look out for you first because you are no good to anyone else if you can’t manage to get out of bed.

Give yourself the gift you would give others.

1. Write yourself a letter outlining all the things you have done this year, or how much you have grown.  Describe all the bread you have made, what new hobbies you discovered, the highs and the lows of the year.  Write it like the newsletter you usually send to your family and friends. And if it doesn’t feel quite satisfactory, include your plans for the future.  Use good stationery and ink.  And then mail it to yourself.
2. Plan a date. If you happen to be isolated with someone you happen to like, then great. Make plans for you to spend time together. Since we are all spending way too much time with our devices this year, spending a screen-less evening can be fun and challenging. There are loads of things you can do without your phone/preferred device or television. If you are in a different situation, solo dates can be just as fun.  In pre-COVID times, my favourite solo date activity was to go to a (higher end) dollar store – where everything costs $2.50 and play with the plastic dinosaurs and other figurines.
3. Think about the person you used to be when you were 18 and away from home for the first time. Remember how much fun it was to get care packages? Create one for yourself. Allow yourself to enjoy all of it. In addition to the brownies, create a playlist of all the songs you listened to during your freshman year. Include boxes of fruit loops and bottles of cupcake vodka. Celebrate who you used to be and that you no longer need to drink that vile cupcake flavoured concoction.
4. Allow people to be your friend. Often when I feel this way, I shut people out. Believing that no one could understand how I am feeling. Not true. Everyone knows what depression is like. And if they don’t, they are lying to themselves.  Let people know how you are feeling.  Let them help. Engagement does wonders for our mental health. And at least for a few moments, we won’t feel so alone. I did exactly this today -some of my friend’s suggestions were: plant a seed/propagate a plant,  light candles to bring in extra light during the long night, and the telling of the history of Groundhog Day (which, while strange, is my other most favourite day of the year).
5. Plan a vacation or the next friends get together.  We won’t be stuck indoors forever.  And when we escape, there is a whole world to see.  If you start planning now, the sooner you will be able to explore.  I can already hear Argentina call me.  “Laura, come visit.  It’s time you learned how to tango like an Argentinian.  Stop with all that french posing nonsense”.
6. Let yourself feel bad.  It’s hard being upbeat and positive when you aren’t feeling it.  And it’s totally ok to feel crummy.  Let it happen. It will most likely be short-lived.

While I am in this space, I will bake some brownies, dance the tango with my broomstick, and maybe answer a couple of emails that I did;t get to because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself this afternoon.  Because (not so) surprisingly, I am feeling remarkably better. Probably because I just convinced myself that I owe it to myself to put myself first.

And you deserve to do the same.